Saints' Discussion Forums

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 :o  ::)

 :rotfl:

[groan] ;D

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

 :speachless:

 ;D ;D ;D
gotta share the first one w/ my boss...

Brigid that was quite good by Shin's standards. You should be giving him encouragement when he produces a funny one.  :happyroll: :rotfl: :happyroll:

Ho ho! Depending on what line of work one is in it could be a dangerous one to share with one's boss!  ;D


 :shy:

Ok, let's see.. how about. . .

Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. . .

The Doc told him, 'Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea.'

Ronan stuttered, 'But I love tea!'  :lovemug:

The doctor replied, 'Okay. . . as long as you take the spoon out.'

  :o  :D

 :rotfl: Haha, funny!

Pretty good ones, eh?  :D

Shin -- my boss is a lawyer!

I was just admonishing my Susy to take the spoon out of her tea today!  I said it just wasn't classy and was dangerous too.  She didn't believe me until she got her eye poked in a distracted moment!

This one made me laugh.

A skeleton goes into a bar. The bar tender asks. "What can I get you sir?"
Skeleton:  "Could I have a pint of Guiness and a mop."   :D

Thanks Martin! You gave me a chuckle!

 ;D

All are hilarious!  ;D :biggrin:

A Joke for the Day:

A man was getting annoyed while waiting and shouted upstairs to his wife, "Hurry up or we'll be late."
. . . "Oh, have patience," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

A Riddle for the Day:

There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
. . . 2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

Answer above in invisible ink!

 :D

Looks like the riddle is too tough.  ;D

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose.

He says: "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me!" The doctor thinks for a while, and finally says "Bingo! I know what's wrong with you!"

The patient says "Really? What is it?".

. . .

"You're not eating right!"

Hahaha... Can't wait to tell this one to my youngest son in the morning. He's always asking me if I've any new jokes?  :D

I gave into temptation and had a peek at the riddle answer.  ;D
So obvious when you know.  :silent:

Three birds left?  No No ...I thought some more and I didn't peek. 5 birds left , dead and alive? My final answer..5 birds. ;D

I'll either go with Patricia on that or say, NONE, the other three left the tree to kill the hunter ( haaaa,ha,ha,ha ) !

Haha! And the answer is. . .

Two birds are left!

The other 3 fly away!

 :D

Smart birds no?  ;D

Oh no!! Neither my guess nor my answer was right!! And it was so simple.   Give us another riddle, Shin and I promise you I'll ace it this time. :D

Ha,ha ! That goes to show how we humans tend to over think things !!!  :boggles: :confuzed: :speachless:


 :fishie: :fishie: :fishie: :fishie: :fishie: :fishie: :fishie: :fishie:

 :teapot:

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny
...

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A. A receding hareline.
...

Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies?

A. To the hare-after.
...

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

A. A Hot Cross bunny.
...

Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?

A. Thistle have to do!
...

Have a hoppy day, everyone!  You are in my prayers, even if I don't come around much.

 :happyroll:

Thank you Rachel! It's great to see you. It's great to know we're all praying together!

Things Not to Hear During Surgery

What's this doing here?
Hmm, I didn't expect that to be missing.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses today. Nurse? Nurse!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Well, now we're all done, and the patient is all sewn up. Hmm. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Fire! Fire! Everyone out now!!
Uh-oh. Page 47 of the manual is missing!

 :D

Especially for you James!  ;)

Ha ha hilarious! ;D

Ha, ha, ha ! Good one Shin !!!  :silent: :hospitaltrip:

Letter to Dad:
--------------

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on



The Reply:
----------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

A Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are transported back in time to the Birth of Our Lord. The Franciscan, seeing Almighty God become a little Child, is overcome with humility and joy.
The Dominican, seeing the eternal Word become flesh, is transfixed in ecstasy.
The Jesuit takes St. Joseph and Our Lady aside, and asks: "Have you given any thought to his education?" 

:rotflblue: :rotfl:
 :principalities:

Ha,ha,ha !
I love it Patricia  :happyroll: :rotflblue: :rotfl:

Jame$
 :teapot:

Good one Jame$ !  :D

That school joke makes me think all the more of how important the simple life is!

Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Haaaaaa,ha,ha,ha !!! :rotfl: :rotflblue: :happyroll:

Good one !   :thumbsup: :tinyangel:

The 98 year old Mother Superior  was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
 They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.
Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
 Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
 Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
 Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow"!.

From Catholic Jokes

Jesuit Joke
What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.
What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?
Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

 :rejoice: :happyroll:

That cow joke was really funny.  :rotfl: :happyroll: :rotfl:

A man and his wife were having a debate about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "You should do it, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS"

And so it does. Clever woman  ;D
That's a nice one Shin, I like it.

Glad to hear it! :D

Here's another!

A priest is standing outside of after Mass one Sunday shaking hands when a parishioner comes up to him and says, "Father, I don't know what to do. My finances are a mess. Collectors call me day and night. My wife has left me because of it and my children don't respect me any more. I'm don't believe my life is worth living anymore."

The priest says, "My dear son, go home, open the Bible to any page, point and read what it says."

The next week the preist spots the man after Mass and asks him how things are going.

"Great Father! Thanks for the advice. It worked like a miracle. The collectors stopped calling, my wife has returned to me and my kids once again respect me."

"Oh really, what did you read?" asked the priest.

The man responded, "Chapter 7."

This one might be a too U.S. Centric joke tho!  :D

To make up for it!

An American, a South African, an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Korean, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, and a Canadian walk into a high class restaurant.

The waiter says, "Sorry, guys: I can't let you in without a Thai."

You are right Shin, "too U.S centric" ;D
But this is the age of information Shin. I gather he filed a Chapter 7 case ? ;D

There you go! Over here everyone's heard of 'Chapter 7 Bankrupcy'!  :D

This one is a rib cracker, I just burst out laughing and guess what? It is 1.23 am. People are asleep. I hope I have not woken up anybody.  :happyroll:

Haha!

Plenty early over here so no danger!

 :rotflblue:

On a serious note, I am one of those people who believe that one can, at times, especially times of great stress, be guided by just opening the Bible at random and reading what one is led to read. It happened to me once and it was quite an experience.

If you wish for a priceless secret, Saints' Quotes (http://saintsquotes.net) works the same way.

I hope this one has not been posted already.
Here we go:
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed.
 They decided to ask their superior for permission.
The first asked but was told no.
 A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying.
 "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked.
 His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

Ho ho!

 ::)

All the jokes are priceless!!  :D


I truly agree!

You could be right about the links. I was quoting your previous post above which has the link to the Saints'Quotes.
Fingers crossed. Here I go, minus the link  ;D

Ah-ha!

Hmm. I had not thought of that! I shall have to make a note of it in the announcements RE: links.

I would like to program things to be a little more flexible with the link-blocker, but at the moment, this is all we've got, and will have for the immediate future. It blocks links, and it blocks them all, except for the Administrator, and it gives a rather non-informative error message in the process.

That is just fine with me. I do not mind at all; links, no links, I am happy :)

Ok. Shin.
Off for a little shut eye before duty calls tomorrow.
The Lord be with you! :crucifix:

Good night and God keep!

Sample this:
Once upon a time there lived a very rich and powerful man.
He had many employees.
It so happened that the rich man was invited to attend a conference overseas.
His flight was booked and he was looking forward to the journey as he was a man who loved traveling and visiting places of interest in other lands.
Very early in the morning, on the day he was to fly out, he was having breakfast when he was told his night watchman was seeking audience with him.
He agreed to see the man and find out what he wanted.
When he came in, the watchman looked agitated. He told the rich man, pleaded with him in fact, not to take the flight already booked but to change to another. When pressed to explain himself, he agitatedly said that he had a very terrifying dream that night. He saw the aeroplane that his master was to travel in burst into flames in mid air; it was so real for him that he felt it was a warning to his master.
The rich man thought for a moment and decided to take the matter seriously. He thanked his worker for the warning. He managed to book another flight and traveled later the same day.
Before the day was over, the dream did indeed come to pass.  News of an air disaster was on every lip, on every radio and TV station. It happened exactly as the dreamer had described it. It seemed some terrorists  had hijacked the plane in mid air; something went horribly wrong and the plane was blown up. No one really knew the details.
The rich man came home much shaken by the whole tragedy and the fact that but for his watchman, he would now be dead.
He called his worker, thanked him for saving his life, rewarded him handsomely but dismissed him from his service.
Why? ???

This one took some thought..

But I -think- I have it!

I will wait and see what others think first.  :irishwisdom:

I am glad you figured it out so quickly  ;D

um, well, if he was the night watchmen, he shouldn't have been asleep dreaming -- so it wasn't a dream he had -- perhaps he was one of the terrorists -- so he should be fired as an evil person?

Hmmmyeeesnooo! ;D
Very, very good try Rachel. Look at it from another angle, I am sure you will get it then ;D

ok, how about the whole situation reawaken the rich man's faith and he decided to sell all and live a life of poverty and no longer have servants??

Haha, I think the key part is his job Rachel!   :rotflblue:

So, simply, it is because he was sleeping on the job???  (after this try I quit -- too humiliating)

I think you've got it!!

Let's see what odhiambo says!

 :happyroll:

Congratulations to both of you  :thumbsup:
Odhiambo agrees completely.
Yes, he was not at all a good watchman; sleeping on the job as you said, literally  ;D

"If at first you don't succeed, try,try again!"
You did great. :)

Shin Your jokes are steadly moving up the laughometer.  :D
The Thai one gave me quite a laugh.  :happyroll: :rotfl:

Good teaser Odhiambo.  :thumbsup:

Hi martin! :happywave:
Thanks.
You are right about the Thai joke; it was great, I enjoyed it too.

A wandering tramp knocked on the door of an English inn named "St. George & The Dragon."
"Could you spare a poor bloke a bite to eat?" he asked the woman who answered.
"No! you lazy bum, go away!" she yelled, and slammed the door.
The tramp waited a few minutes, knocked again, and whence upon the same woman appeared, he said: "Now, might I be having a word with George?"

 :o

 :happyroll:
Dear oh dear   ;D
Poor wandering tramp, just his luck that the "Dragon" opened the door.
He certainly had his wits about him.  :happyroll:

Spare a thought for George too. What kind of life must he been having hehe.  :D

How very considerate  of you martin  :)
I had completely forgotten his side of the story.
Well, seeing he is "Saint George", living with the Dragon must have contributed to that, and earned him rewards in heaven,  so I won't pity him too much :)
There is a silver lining to every cloud martin ;D