Saints' Discussion Forums

The Weather Forecast
The following is from Tqualey, Newbie. I am posting this with his permission.

Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a heavy load of firewood'

 :happyroll: :rotflblue: :rotfl:


Good one odhiambo! I enjoyed that!

Ha ha! :D  That's a good one!

A Baptist and a Catholic were discussing the different ways their churches baptized people: total immersion or just pouring the water over the head.
        The Catholic said, "Well, just how much water do you need?   Knee  deep?"
        -- "No, more than that."
        "Waist deep?"
        -- "More."
        "Up to the chin?"
        -- "You need more water than that!"
        "Over the head?"
        -- "Yes, that's right."
        "There you go. That's where we put it!"

   :rotfl: :rotfl:

That's a good one Patricia  :biggrin:

I like it!

 :happyroll: :rotfl:

Hey, Patricia, can I share this joke elsewhere?

Sure. I picked it from somewhere else too.  :D

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Holy smoke! incense is indeed "Holy Smoke"!  :)

A Jesuit joke. 


Sts Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.

St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to His education?"

Good one, Susanna!
 :D

Here is another one I have just been sent and I want to share it.

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very
limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on
the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook
his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I
mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his
eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed
the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later
he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Ha ha ha!!  :happyroll: :rotflblue:

 :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotflblue: :rotfl: :rotflblue:

Oh....no.....! ;D

Here is another funny story passed on from one of my MailCircle members.
Enjoy!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."  :biggrin:

Groan..... ;D

 ;D

 :happyroll: :rotflblue: :rotfl:

Ha ha! ;D

My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal
was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but
she couldn't have been right, because everyone else
laughed.   My parents told me to always tell the
 truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what
 happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
PETA.   He said they love
animals very much.   I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and
 beef.   Anyway, my teacher
sent me to the principal's office. 
I told him what happened, and he
laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher
asked me what my favorite   live
 animal was. 
I told her it was chicken. She
asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's
office. He laughed, and told me not to do it
again.   I don't
understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my
teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her
what famous person I admired most.   I told her,
"Colonel Sanders." 
 Guess where I am now...

Haha!

 :D

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste those beats on exercise. Everything will wear out eventually. Speeding up heart will not make you live longer; this is like saying you can extend life of car by driving faster. If you want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no! Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is just distilled wine, and that mean they take water out of fruit so you get even more of that fruit goodness. Beer is  made of grain, and everyone sees how healthy animals are that take in grain. Cheers!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have one body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. This is one of the easiest ratios to calculate!
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: I just can't think of single one!  My philosophy is quite simple: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A:  Food fried is in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables in your diet be bad?

Q: Will I be able to stay out of the hospital if I follow your advice?
A: No one in medicine can guarantee anything. Based on my research, not one publicized diet or exercise plan has enabled anyone to live to age 150! Not one! So, while others may criticize my advice – their advice has the same short-comings when it comes to extreme old age. Remember, hospitals are not healthy places to be in – it is full of sick people! Staying out is probably the best advice you will ever get for me!

 :rotfl: :rotflblue: :happyroll:

I remeber the doctor I used to go to years ago. He had ashtrays in the waiting room.

I guess he wanted you to keep coming back Poche!