Saints' Discussion Forums

Though not a plant,
Has leaves.
Though not a beast,
Has spine.
Though many wouldn't need this thing
'Tis more valuable than wine.

What is it?

A book!

...  You will kick yourself, like I did, if you do not get the above and look at the answer quickly.

Around the corner there is a tree.
Under the tree there is a school.
In the school there is a desk.
Behind the desk there is a bell.
Behind the desk is a teacher.

What is her name?


Isabell!

Hibernating when it is cold,
But when it is warm I become bold;
I light up the night,
For every child`s delight.
Some people I might annoy
But to others I bring joy.

What am I?

A firefly or lightning bug!


How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

l) Book?
2) Isabel ?
3) firefly ?   ??? :-\

Every one correct !  :D Congratulations Patricia!  :cheers:

i love these!  i shared them with my girls -- everyone needs a good dinosaur joke on a Sunday afternoon. 

Q...What kind of dinosaurs can jump higher than a house?

A... Any kind. A house can't jump.

I must warn you Rachel. This is as good as it gets.  :D

my  DD Julia made up this one:

knock, knock
who's there?
cows!
cows who?
no, no -- cows moo!

my Theresa loves this one:

knock, knock
who's there?
Ivan
Ivan who?
Ivan working on the railroad, all the live-long days
(and she sings this of course)
and if you don't believe me, i'll put syrup in your hair!

another by Julia:

knock, knock
who's there?
owls
owls who?
yes, they do!

theresa again:

knock, knock
who's there?
silver!
silver who?
silverware!  (you have to laugh until you fall off your chair now)

see, martin -- i'm used to really good jokes!

 :happyroll:  :rotfl: :rotflblue:

Your daughters' knock knocks are great! They're inspired! 

I'm laughing a lot!  ;D

I shared them with my daughters and they enjoyed them too.  I like the maple syrup part. ;D

:rotfl: :rotflblue:

I liked the maple syrup one especially, too. :happyroll:

Don't speak of Maple Syrup.... They do these delicious maple and pecan rolls in a little bakery near hand.
I have to turn the other cheek when passing.  ;D

;D ;D

my daughters are everso glad you liked them!

in honor of my visit w/ a lawyer today, here is a joke:

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Bobby. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Danny," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Bobby.

Danny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Bobby.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Danny.


and in honor of my getting a parttime job today:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 :rotfl:

LOL, these are great Rachel!

 :cheers:

Hilarious! :D  and congratulations on finding a job, Rachel. O:)

These are great, Rachel. :rotflblue: And my congrats on your new job, also! :cheers:

In honor of our high school team's last game:

May: What position does your brother play in the school football team ?
Jay: I think he’s one of the drawbacks !


Just for you computer whiz guy:

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said that it ”could not find the printer.”
The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but his computer still could not ‘see’ the printer.

And thanks!

You two are real corkers! :D

 :happyroll:

I love the drawback!!  :happyroll:

And computer technical jokes are my cup of tea.  :teaandcoffee:

and just for no reason at all, certainly not because I'm craving anything...

Q.Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
A. He was feeling crummy!

(brushing crumbs from shirt...)

An elderly couple were killed in an accident
and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint
Peter.
“Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts,
swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just
stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area.”
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we
could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that
stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

 :happyroll:

That's my kinda joke!  ;D

I thought you might like that! 

But you gotta understand, I was brought up on that oatbran, healthfood, organic, whole grain diet stuff -- and I love it!   :biggrin:

Oh, I'm sure you do, just like my mother the nature girl does!  :D At least though she's not eating those styrofoam cakes anymore, and isn't trying to set a tofurkey on the Thanksgiving table!

tofurkey -- ugh!!!  I might eat more veggies than the average (dare i say 'normal'?) person eats, but no fake meats, please!  I love chicken, even steak on occasion, and pot roast.  i guess, really, i love food -- good thing i love hard work and exercise too!
Styrofoam cakes????  like those store bought angel food?  or much worse???  My mom makes the best angel food cake -- and delicious terrible-for-you icing -- I loooooooove it.

Rice cakes is what they call them outside of my family. :D

Angel food, now that sounds right up this forum's alley.

Quite unlike the chocolate cheesecake recipe I put up!  ;D

chocolate cheesecake --- oooooooooh, swoon -- just where is that drooling smilie??????

Here's the recipe, if you wish. (http://saintsworks.net/forums/index.php?topic=371.msg2304;topicseen#msg2304) :D

This is better than what you get at restaurants, I know, because I've tried it at them. I keep few recipes but the few I keep are the best.  ;D

Is that where the cravings for chocolate chip cookies or cake icing came from, Rachel? ;D

Thank you!!!!   :cheers:

well, hey, I use organic chocolate!!!!   :D :D :D

Organic chocolate! You're my hero Rachel!  :rotfl:

Well, that takes a load off my mind. ::) ;D

It's all in the way you look at it, right, Brigid? ;D

I can see you have a very discerning vision of things. :D


(Actually, I prefer the chocolate chip cookies before they're cooked - as in cookie dough! :-[)

You know that's what clued me in on adding flour to the icing I was making the other day for the blueberry cake to thicken it up -- I thought about how I preferred cleaning the bowl up afterwards often enough more than the actual dessert. :D Didn't know if it would work or not but in this case it worked!

Smart man!

a man who bakes -- and figures out new ways to make things turn out!  I am duly impressed.  and... i hate to tell you, but blueberries are a health food!

  :happyroll:

Uh-oh, now I may have to give them up! Have to stand by my principles!  :o  :D

oh no -- what have i done!  blueberry cake may have been your healthiest food, for all i know! 

Well, since blueberry cake is so very good, maybe you could make a slight revision to your principles about food?

just focus on the 'cake' part, embracing all it's unhealthful qualities, and i think you can overlook the (healthy) blueberry part -- especially if you remember that blueberries have a large quantity of (natural) sugar in them!!!   

Hmmm.. Perhaps you two have convinced me..

Wouldn't want to violate my principles tho.   :happyroll:

shin -- you are very principled and can probably not worry overly much about indulging in cake!

julia made up another knock, knock, just for you (and because she likes to see her name on here):

knock, knock!
who's there?
Tora!
Tora who?
Tora the museum, anyone?  i'll be your guide!

Tell Julia that her knock, knock was funny. ;D

teeny made up two more, because she wants you to like her as much as julia!

1.  knock, knock!
whos' there?
head!
head who?
head band!

2. knock, knock
who's there?
head again!
head again who?
head again to get a snacky!  (i had to help her with that ending somewhat)

hilarious, no?  can you believe such a genius is only 5yo???  lol

That's adorable!  :happyroll: Tell Teeny we like her as much as Julia and tell their mother  :D  that they are both very smart!

lol -- glad you liked them -- she is so proud!

As well she should be!

and to think she had that creative ability just an hour after throwing up in school -- something is going around and it isn't pretty -- i had to pick her up early -- but we had some fun washing her shoes and bathing her sweet-smelling clean again.

now she and julia are watching the old movie The Happiest Millionaire while i make dinner and catherine and susy make calls to be sure we can deliver the pies to neighbors who ordered from the band pie sale -- what 8yo picks that kind of movie these days!

I hope/pray she gets better soon. Seems to me, if I'm remembering right ??? , that that was a really funny movie. I wouldn't think that little ones would like it, but  :shrug:

Hey Rachel comming from a 5 and 8 yr old those jokes are placing our Admin Shin in a very embarassing position.
I mean, how's he ever gonna post one of his jokes again?  ;D

I'm just thinking! .. How am I ever gonna post one of mine?  :-\

;D ;D

hahaha -- just call them precocious geniuses and we'll all feel better  :happyroll:

Done!

a friend of mine shared this one at prayer group while we were making cursillo gifts:

Southern Baptist at the Race Track

Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

 :happyroll: :rotflblue:

because it's friday (no meat):

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."

We need a shaking the head smilie ( ;D )

We had a list of 7 reprobate smilies on trial, each one as guilty as could be and each one got an unconditional pardon. Do you think the saints are trying to teach us a lesson on mercy here?  :D

Without trying to sound like the the stay at home brother in the story of the prodical son, I wonder is there enough room in the smiley house for new members with those 7 having been welcomed home with open arms?  :shrug:

But Martin, isn't there always room for one more? Maybe the lesser used smilies could be archived (although still accessible) while still receiving the same pay and benefits. Would that help, Shin?

 
                     A BIG THANK YOU Brigid from all us seldom used smiley's.

:happyroll:

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

......................................................

After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected. 'If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!'
'What do you think we are, stupid?" Seamus replied. 'We'll send our man at night!'

......................................................

An Irish professor of Literature was at conference in Spain.  As a conversational ice breaker, his Spanish host asked if the Irish had a Gaelic word similar in meaning to the Spanish - mañana.  Sure said the professor, we have five words similar to mañana, but none of them have quite the same sense of urgency.
....................................................

10 Laws of Computing
If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

 :rotflblue: I especially liked 2 and 4. ;D

The Confession Session

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes, go on', and 'I understand, how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

 :happyroll: :rotfl: :happyroll:

Crossing the Street

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

Where do you get all these, Rachel?

everywhere!  and when i need a lift, i find more.

In honor of Rachel's birthday today a revival of this Jokes and Riddles thread. There's some good stuff here for the newcomers. :D

Thank Pebbles for many of these jokes!  :tinyangel:


Some folks never really learn to pray until their children learn how to drive..

Why don't alligators eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Two snowmen are standing in a field.. One says to the other, funny, I smell carrots too!


Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash

1. I was forced to wash as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than everyone else.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I wash only on special occasions, like Easter and Christmas.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have gotten a bit dirtier, I might start washing.

8. I really don't have time to wash.

9. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.   :boggles:

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Oh, the dear lady  ;D

Hahaha!  :rotfl:

 :tinyangel:  ;D

 :D

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital towards the exit in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

An attendant stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He replied, "The nurse said, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

The attendant replied, "She was just trying to comfort you! What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me! She was talking to the doctor!"

 :biggrin:  Good one!

 ;D

  :bigbluegrin:

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

 :D

"Groan".  ;D

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Send this to your kids or relatives also so they know what happened to you.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you.

Then it dawned on me ... oh, dear, oh no ...

I'll see you on the bus..

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A real salesman, tongue in cheek Captain Smith  ;D

What did the Egyptian border guard say to Mary and Joseph with the baby Jesus when they arrived in Egypt? 



How was your flight? 

<<Groan>>  ;D

 :D

Good morning Susanna!  ;D


Here're some more riddles!


I. Why is death like the letter 'E'?

Because it is at the end of. . .


II. Why are bald people's house easier to break into?

Because they. . .


III. Why is life the most difficult riddle of all?

Because you must. . .


I've even made things slightly easier with the first few words of the answers.  :D

You don't mind do you Susanna, I want to have a go at it  ;D
I.  Death is  like the letter 'E' because it is at the end of "life"  ;D

II Bald people's houses are easier to break into because they have no tops  ;D

III.  Life the most difficult riddle of all because you must live it  ;D

Wild, wild guesses Shin. I can only put my money on the first answer as being correct. ;D

Congralations!

First one's right odhiambo!  :cheers:

Second one is.. almost correct! You could say it was correct, but there's a better way to put it! You've almost got it!  ;D

Third one, try again!  :happyroll:

I think I came across the answer inadvertently so I will not answer but give somebody else a clue.
I hope it is the right clue.
Here it is ---think "Goldilocks"  ;D

I am giving up on the third one Shin, I am completely clueless :)

Okay,  a last try before I give up:
III.  Life the most difficult riddle of all because it cannot be solved; it has no solution.  :)

 :happyroll:

Correct on both counts, but the first answer you gave for # 3, not the second!

Life is the hardest riddle.. because you have to give it up!

 :rotfl: :rotflblue:

Wow!wow!wow!
Of course, there is really no other answer but that one; I wish I had not given up so quickly  ;D
It seems so obvious now does it not?
Well, another day, another puzzle  ;D
That was a good, good one Shin, I like it.  :thumbsup:

Here is a riddle I have just been told. I was not able to solve it, hope you fare better  :)
A father and his son were involved in a road traffic accident. The father died on the spot, The son was rushed to the nearest hospital.
He had to be operated but the surgeon on duty said, "I cannot operate on him, he is my son Aurthur".
Explain.

Perhaps the one was a priest, and so 'his father'?

Hi Shin,
No, he was his biological father. :)

Adoption?  :D

That's what I had thought too. Is it right?

Not quite. Try once more. Here is a cue that will crack the whole thing wide open.
---Think parents---  ;D

You may have come across this already.
I have read several versions of the same. Here is one version:

"A battle ship was on exercise at sea in bad weather.  It was foggy. Just after dark the Navigation Officer spotted a light in the distance and reported to the captain that there is a ship which seemed to be on a collision course with theirs! The captain immediately ordered his Radio Officer to send a message to the other ship:

"Change course 10 degrees to the South. We are on a collision course."
The reply  came back: "No! You change course 10 degrees to the South!"
After two more exchanges, the Captain was furious, and came thundering into the Radio Room,
grabbed the microphone and shouted,
 ""I am a battleship. Change your course 10 degrees to the South!"
After a brief moment of silence, there was an  even-tempered reply:
" Change your course, I am a lighthouse"!  ;D

My Daily Meditation Book concluded that we can no more challenge God than a ship can oppose a lighthouse.
We always have to conform with the Will of God. It is for our own good.

 :happyroll: :rotflblue:

That's great odhiambo!!!

 :thumbsup:

That's thought provoking.

A penny saved is a
Government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher
It is to lose weight, because by
Then your body and your fat have
Gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice: The Roman
Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.

The easiest way to find
Something lost around the
House is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: When you
Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
Together it spells 'Theirs....'

 :rotfl: :rotflblue:

I shared this one a little bit ago!  Got a laugh! :D

Yeah, it is a neat one; I laugh every time I read it. :)

Read me forward, I am the highest point of everything.
Read me backward, scarcely anything is deeper.

Can you give a hint odhiambo? :D