Joke and Riddles

[RachelKH]

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma' am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

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After the Americans went to the Moon, Paddy and Seamus announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected. 'If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!'
'What do you think we are, stupid?" Seamus replied. 'We'll send our man at night!'

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An Irish professor of Literature was at conference in Spain.  As a conversational ice breaker, his Spanish host asked if the Irish had a Gaelic word similar in meaning to the Spanish - mañana.  Sure said the professor, we have five words similar to mañana, but none of them have quite the same sense of urgency.
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10 Laws of Computing
If you have reached the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
When you are computing, if someone is watching, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When the going gets tough, upgrade your computer.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human ... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

[Brigid]

  I especially liked 2 and 4.

[RachelKH]

The Confession Session

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes, go on', and 'I understand, how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[Brigid]

 

[RachelKH]

Crossing the Street

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

[RachelKH]

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by
a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?”

The priests say, “Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us.”

The policeman says, “In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to
ride on a motorcycle.”

[Brigid]

Where do you get all these, Rachel?

[RachelKH]

everywhere!  and when i need a lift, i find more.

[Shin]

In honor of Rachel's birthday today a revival of this Jokes and Riddles thread. There's some good stuff here for the newcomers.

Thank Pebbles for many of these jokes!  


Some folks never really learn to pray until their children learn how to drive..

Why don't alligators eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Two snowmen are standing in a field.. One says to the other, funny, I smell carrots too!


Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash

1. I was forced to wash as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than everyone else.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I wash only on special occasions, like Easter and Christmas.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I'm still young. When I'm older and have gotten a bit dirtier, I might start washing.

8. I really don't have time to wash.

9. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.


I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.  

[Shin]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

[odhiambo]

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,

'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

Oh, the dear lady  

[Patricia]

Hahaha! 

[Brigid]

  

[Shin]

 

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital towards the exit in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

An attendant stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He replied, "The nurse said, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

The attendant replied, "She was just trying to comfort you! What's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me! She was talking to the doctor!"

[Patricia]

   Good one!

[odhiambo]