Saints' Discussion Forums

An elderly lady won a ticket to the Stanley Cup finals. When she entered the gigantic arena she noticed her seat was way up in the top level. She said to herself, "I could never climb all those stairs - and even if I could I would be too far away from the action to see anything."

So she started looking around and was surprised to see an empty seat just a few feet away beside a man sitting at ice-level. "Excuse me sir, is anyone sitting in that seat?" , she asked.

"Well my wife was going to...but I guess you could sit here" , the man answered.
"Oh no !" , the lady countered," I couldn't take the place reserved for your wife."

"No...you don't understand " , smiled the man ," We bought these tickets when they were first available - some time back, and we were supposed to come together...but my wife just died three days ago...so she can't come."

"Oh, you poor dear", the lady replied, "Don't you have any friends?"

"Sure", said the man, "I have lots of friends."

"But none of them could even come with you to the hockey game?", the lady asked.

"No", replied the man, "They're all at my wife's funeral."

oh, no ;D ;D ;D

Sirach 26:14 A silent wife is a gift from the Lord"

'It is better to sit in a corner of the rooftop, than with a quarrelsome woman in a common house.'

Proverbs 25:24, Proverbs 21:9

It's in there twice!!!

 :rotflblue: :rotfl:

The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other. It is a perpetual exercise in mortification
St. Francis de Sales ;D

Ho ho! You keep coming up with the good ones lately George!!! :D

 :happyroll: :rotfl: :rotflblue: :rotfl: :happyroll:

Good one George!!   :D

I read somewhere that a  Catholic Deacon, during a sermon  on marriage last year, joked that true marriage "can only be between Adam and Eve  not Adam and Steve''.
He later apologized. I wish he had just stood by his words. . :(

Yeah, why the apology? Oh, well. The names were funny. :D

The Chicken and the Pig

Once upon a time, there was a pig and chicken.
The animals were good friends and decided to go for a little walk.
 As they strolled along the road they saw a sign that read: "Charity Breakfast."  
The chicken said to the pig, "Let's go help with the charity breakfast.
  I'll provide the eggs and you can provide the ham."  
The pig said to the chicken, "That's okay for you.
 Providing the eggs is just an offering of eggs on your part,
 but providing the ham is a total commitment for me, a sacrifice ! "

Nice joke! ;D

 :biggrin:

The Perfect Husband:

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
“WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
“MAN: “How much?
“WOMAN: “$65,000.
“MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
“WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
“WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!
“MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 ;D
Wow! Quite a shopper that woman.
As for the "husband", the woman should have heard alarm bells; In my experience
husbands are not usually so accommodating, even when they are loaded! ;D
Sorry all ye married guys, you are the exceptions of course! ;D

She must have thought that her husband was in an exceptionally generous mood and did not want to lose the opportunity  ;D

 :biggrin:

Ha ha ha I can see the ladies really liked the last joke!  :D

An elderly gentleman was stopped by police at 2 am one night.
The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The gentleman answered:
" I am on my way to a complicated talk about alcohol abuse, it's influence on the human body, influences of smoking and delayed home coming!"
"Uuuh, who on earth delivers such a lecture at this time of night?", asked the officer, very much taken aback.
"My wife", answered the old man glibly  ;D

 :rotflblue:

 ;D Unsuspecting groom!

 :rotflblue:

. . .

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

 :speachless:

 ;D

Good one Shin. :D

 :biggrin:

I hope this has not already been posted

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
 paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

 The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few
 words on piece of paper,he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
 few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes
 eight people to collect all the money!'

No, I've never seen that one!

 :happyroll: :rotfl: :rotflblue:

 ;D :rotfl:

Hello!  Just heard this yesterday -
A man stopped at a chicken take-out place and ordered a bucket of chicken.  The owner accidentally gave him the bucket with the day's money in it, where he had it hidden.  The man left, but when he saw that the bucket was full of money, he took it back.  The owner was so grateful  that he said "I'm going to call the local TV news station, your honesty is so wonderful in times like these I want people to see what a good man you are."  The customer said "Oh please don't, that woman in the car is not my wife!"   

Good to see you Susanna!  :D

 ;D

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny,
"How come you aren't married?"

Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house-keeper, and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant personality is a must - and money, she's got to have money... and a home, a nice big house."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."

Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she's crazy."

 :biggrin:

Johnny has another 40 years of bachelorhood ahead of him  :)

 :happyroll:

The Blood Donor
 
  An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
  but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his
  blood in case the need arises.
 
  As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,
  so, the call went out.
 
  Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
 
  The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
 
  After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
  giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
 
  A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
  corrective surgery.
 
  His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy
  to donate his blood again.
 
  After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you
  card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
 
  The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
  gesture as he had anticipated.
 
  He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous
  again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money,
  but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
 
  To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie,
  but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins". ;D
I love this one ! ;D

 :rotfl:

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. Nearing the final curtain, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife!

"Stay out of those!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.  ;D
 

 :happyroll: :rotfl: :rotflblue:

Oh, groan... :rotflblue: ;D  :rotfl: :rotfl:

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
 including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent
when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
 
 Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
 were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
 
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
 have a wife.'  ;D

Haha ha! :rejoice:

So innocent, why do we ever grow up!

Love it!  :rotflblue:

Good thought! :D

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked,
 "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'  ;D

::)

 :D

 ;D Good one!

  ::) arggh...........

 ;D

"I wonder what people will wear in Heaven," said the wife
" I suppose you will want the most expensive things, just as here on earth", retorted the husband.
"That need not worry you", she promptly replied, " you won't be there to pay!"

Good one Odhiambo!!

 ;D
A bit unkind to the poor husband. No matter how stingy, I would still wish him to be there. Let us hope that she meant just a temporary absence curtesy of purgatory ;D

A housewife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes; how all blondes are perceived as hmmm, you know what they say.  :)
She decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"  ;D

I have a feeling that the so called "blonde" jokes could have been started by someone with just a touch of hmmm, envy perhaps?  ;D

 :rotflblue:

A Very Cold Winter  Morning........
   
Wife texts husband on a very cold
 winter's morning:
 
"Window's frozen.
 Won't open."
 
Husband texts  back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."   
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer's really messed up now." ;D

 :rotflblue: :happyroll:  :rotfl:

God is Watching
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read,
"Take only one, God is watching."
 Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
 One little boy wrote his own note and placed it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples." :)

Three old  guys are out walking.
First one says,  'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says,  'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a  beer..'
 
   

 ;D :happyroll:

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the Mexican. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle-man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise. "How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American. "And after that?" "Afterwards?" That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really?" "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

 :D

Here are some funny ones!

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If a pig loses its voice. . .
Is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays a piano called a pianist,
But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like . . . . . . . . night!

 :rotflblue: :rotfl: :happyroll: